


The First Time Janus Tries To Not Kill Virgil

by keepquietplease



Series: Sanders Sides First And Last Thing AU [11]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Serial Killers, Cannibalism, Janus is a conflicted man, Language, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Angst, Multi, Poison, Poisoning, Surprisingly, Unhealthy Relationships, Vomit mentioned, but this one is actively trying to kill, drugging your boyfriend by accident, he's an anxious boi, like they all are, no one is sympathetic, there's no gore in this, you hate to see it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:15:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26620504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepquietplease/pseuds/keepquietplease
Summary: They weren't healthy, Janus knew that.  He just wanted to see Virgil die and keep his body in his home.But he also didn't want that.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Everyone, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: Sanders Sides First And Last Thing AU [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1913083
Comments: 17
Kudos: 135





	The First Time Janus Tries To Not Kill Virgil

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DeathEater72](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeathEater72/gifts).



> Author fact: I got two hearts on my last fic, and I'm both pleased and praying y'all meant it.
> 
> I'm thinking of the weirdest ways to make money, and can you imagine if I did commissions for stories (not on AO3; I write this stuff for fun and for free), but the deal was "excuse me. Two cents per story please."  
> That would fucking suck.

"Motherfucker!"

Janus threw out yet another bowl of muffin batter. This one had cyanide in them. Not good for consumption. He was supposed to be cooking a treat for Virgil, and this was his seventh failed batch. It was almost involuntary. He just had to kill Virgil. He needed to kill him. He started a new batch, adding the ingredients. His hand ghosted over battery acid that he kept with all his jars. He grabbed his hand, pulling it back. He could make one fucking muffin without adding something that would kill his boyfriend. He was on a video call with Remus as he cooked. He was there to make sure Janus didn't poison their boyfriend.

"I keep fucking adding things that can kill him. This sucks."

"That's why I'm here, Jan." Remus said, grinning. "Just don't add poison. It's not hard."

"It's very hard! Do you know how beautiful Virgil would be choking on his own vomit as he laid there dying?! He would look gorgeous! I would give anything to see him fucking die just so I can feel that rush! But I can't! I can't because he's the communal boyfriend and Patton's husband, and I'm not allowed to do that. I told him he couldn't kiss me. I told him eight years ago. Virgil, don't kiss me or make me fall in love with you. That's exactly what I told him, and what did he do? He fucking worked his charm. Kissing me and cuddling with me and making sure I was included. Fuck! Fuck him!"

"You added toothpaste. Like, a whole tube."

Janus looked down, seeing a squeezed out tube of toothpaste in his hand. "Fuck!"

"Yeah, you left the room, so I didn't hear anything you said until you came back with the toothpaste and put it in. Why don't you just let me make him something?"

"Because I want to be able to cook for Virgil without trying to kill him. I want to be a good boyfriend for once."

"Hey, you're a good boyfriend. You just can't cook for him. You taught him how to make concoctions that could kill someone. Only good boyfriends would do that."

Janus threw out this batch, groaning. He put the bowl in the sink, grabbing a new one to start over. Egg whites, milk, and oil in one bowl. Flour, salt, baking powder, cornstarch, and sugar in another. He mixed them together, shaking. He wanted to add something so badly. He wanted to watch Virgil convulse in his arms and beg for an explanation. The idea made him excited.

"Put the blood thinners down." Remus said, snapping Janus back to reality. He put the pills down. One was half crushed in his hand. "Good. Just put the mixture in the tray."

Janus did so, letting out a sigh as he put them in the oven. "Did I do it?"

"You did it! Stay on the phone. You're staying on this call until you get to Patton's place. I know you'll just add something on it if I hang up."

"I will. God, think I can ask him to pretend to be poisoned? Would that be weird? Ask him to fake die?"

"I mean, you shoved a rolling pin in his mouth once. I think you could ask him to pretend to die. He'd do it if you did a demanding voice. Actually, he'd do it in general. He jumps at the opportunity to make us proud of him. You could tell him to actually die, and he probably would. Put the poison down and close the oven."

Janus did, groaning. "I have to wait thirty minutes without contaminating the food. I can't do this. I should just break up with him, but even then, our mutual attraction will remain. I'll always want to kill him. He's the only man I've ever loved who I haven't killed. I should've turned Patton's offer down."

"You would still get feelings for him eventually."

"Yes, but not as soon as I did. Maybe I'd get feelings for him right now or in a couple years. I wouldn't have the connection. I wouldn't want to kill him right away. We should've stuck with cheek kisses and hugs."

"Cleaning spray."

Janus put it down, moving away from the oven.

"Good. Listen, it's fine. I know it's rough. Roman and I struggled our first year in the family because we felt the need to kill Patton and Logan. Communication is important. Tell Virgil you want to kill him. He'll understand. He may even let you do a little role-play. He'll pretend to die from whatever you gave him, and he'll still be alive. Please put down the pesticide."

"I can't do this. I'm going to give up. He never knew I was cooking for him."

"You promised yourself you'd make him muffins, and he's fucking getting them. Tell me about work."

"God it was awful." Janus told Remus all about his day. He was only interrupted every couple of minutes to be told to put something down. Once the muffins were done, he put powdered sugar on top and packed them up. He brought the phone into the car, putting it down so Remus could still see him and make sure he didn't try anything. Remus was already there, talking to him from the front porch. Janus had to be told six times on the drive over that he couldn't pull over and add poison. Finally, he made it to the house. Remus hung up the call once he got out of the car.

"You did it!"

"I did it?"

"You managed to not poison the muffins!"

"Thank fuck. Okay. Take them. Please get them away from me." Janus pushed the tray into Remus' hands, following him inside.

"Janus!" Virgil smiled the minute he heard the door open, going up to the two. "Remus said he wasn't coming back in until you got here, so I hope it's you."

"It's me, doll. I made you some muffins, but, again, I made them, so you may not want them. I can eat one first if you're unsure--" Janus stopped when Virgil kissed him, reciprocating it right away. Virgil pulled away, a smirk on his face.

"I'll eat it. I trust you."

"You--I--do you know how easy it would be to kill you?! I could've done anything to those fucking things!" Janus gripped his shoulders, shaking him lightly. "You're so fucking easy!"

"I'm aware, and I'm putting my trust in you. You don't have to eat it first. How many fuck ups did you have?"

"So many. Virgil, I don't think this relationship will work if you stay alive. I shouldn't even be allowed to see you with how much I want you dead."

"I love you too." Virgil kissed him again before making his way back into the house.

"You can't just--you're infuriating. I want to kill you more now."

"Virgil, stop teasing Janus." Patton chided. "Janus, stop threatening to kill Virgil."

"He's--this isn't my fault anymore! Jesus!" Janus sat down next to Patton, covering his face. "Tell your husband to stop flirting with me. He's playing with fire."

"Jokes on you, I've been playing with fire my whole life. It's called living in a terrible household where death was welcomed." Virgil said as he sat on Janus' lap. "Also, I missed you. I don't know why I don't visit you as often. You live closer than the twins."

"Because the more I see you, the more I want to kill you. I'm trying to distance myself." He put his hand on the younger man's waist, pulling him closer. "Remus had to stay on the line with me the whole time. I kept trying to add shit."

"You could've added a non-lethal poison."

Janus turned to Patton. "Control your husband."

"Virgil, stop it. You're being bad. No poisoning until next year. You know the rules." Patton swatted at his butt lightly, going back to sipping his coffee. Virgil didn't move, just continuing to smirk at Janus. He started to press kisses to his lips. Quick, short kisses.

"Can someone please take the communal boyfriend?" 

"No, he wouldn't shut up about the fact you were finally visiting. He missed you." Logan adjusted his glasses, frowning. "He's just excited to see you again since you've been having a Virgil detox, if you will."

"Do you want a muffin, love? It took me five hours to finally get it done." Janus had to speak in between kisses. Virgil kept kissing him, proving his excitement to see the older man again. He could hardly get his words out. "Doll?"

Virgil nodded before kissing down his jaw. "Give me a warning next time you're going to stop answering my texts. I thought you were mad at me because I did something wrong."

"I'm sorry. I was nervous."

"You weren't the one who had to convince Virgil you didn't hate him." Patton grumbled, rolling his eyes.

"Oh dear, I'm sorry. I don't hate you. It's the opposite. I want to kill you so badly. I want to squeeze you until you can't take another breath. I want to see your lifeless body in my house everyday."

"You have such a way with words."

"Just say you love me too."

Virgil accepted a muffin from Remus. Janus held his breath when Virgil bit into it. He didn't poison it, right? There was no way he poisoned it. Virgil's face didn't change at all when he ate it. Janus tightened his grip around him, hoping nothing bad happened. He smiled, wiping crumbs off his face. "Well, it tastes amazing, so there's that."

"Oh thank god."

"Weird aftertaste, but it's probably--"

"Oh god. I poisoned you. I did it. I'm so sorry Virgil--"

"Jan, I think you just burnt the muffin a bit. Here, try it." Virgil held up a piece, feeding Janus. He chewed, and yes, it was slightly overdone. There was a weird taste that wasn't burnt muffin, but Janus couldn't place it. Virgil smiled, poking his nose. "Stop worrying. I trust you completely."

"You shouldn't. We should've never gotten this close. I hate how easy it would be to snap your neck."

"You could always put me into a coma--"

"Don't. We're not having this conversation. Also, stop eating that. There's something wrong with it." Janus took the muffin away, frowning. Gasoline. He finally placed it. Fuck. "I'm so sorry. I can't even cook for you."

"When did you even manage to poison it?" Remus asked.

"Probably in the five seconds it took to get out of the car. He didn't eat enough to get hurt."

Virgil leaned his head against Janus' shoulder, smiling. Janus kept one hand firmly around his waist and the other on his knee. He missed Virgil, that much was true, but part of him was upset that Virgil's breath remained steady. He should be dead. He was planning on keeping Virgil's body when he died. He made a room to keep the body in. He planned on doing that with his husband, but he didn't know how to keep a body from decomposing back then. He learned how to preserve bodies, and Virgil would be his real life doll once he died. He got permission from Patton, albeit a bit confused about why Janus would want to do that. Janus reassured him it wasn't for gross purposes; just so he could keep Virgil in his life after death. He could easily make him a corpse right now. Suffocate him slowly.

"Have you ever considered not cooking for him?" Logan asked.

"I'm his boyfriend! I should be able to make things for him! He makes shit for us all the time!"

"Because I'm lesser than all of you!" Virgil said with a little smug grin. 

"I just want to express my love without trying to murder him."

"Logan's right. You don't need to cook for him." Roman looked up. "You could just let him attach himself to you like he is now. We'll be here to make sure you don't kill him."

Janus sighed, lifting Virgil up so he could adjust his sitting position. "You, sir, should be more careful around me. I could kill you at any moment if I keep seeing you."

Virgil stuck out his tongue, squirming when Janus licked it.

"I could pour something down your throat right now. I obviously have gasoline." Janus picked him up, taking him to the kitchen to throw the muffin out. Virgil clung onto him, kissing his jaw. "You'd look so beautiful as a corpse. I can't wait. I have the perfect room set up for you. There are realistic, fake crows in it. I even picked out an outfit for your body."

"God, I missed you. I haven't seen you since the wedding. It's been forever. What're you going to do with my body when I'm dead?"

"Just keep you around. Share meals with you. Talk about my day. May I borrow your next victim to test out my embalming skills? I want to make sure it's perfect when I have you."

"Yeah, I can spare a body. Pat, is that okay?"

"Still confused why you want Virgil's corpse, but sure. Virge, that means your crows can't eat you when you're dead. Janus wants you completely perfect and untouched." Patton responded, sighing. 

"Do we get visiting privileges of his body?" Remus asked, smiling.

"Yes, but he's staying in my house. Those are my conditions." Janus made eye contact with Patton.

"He's my husband! I--fine. I'll just visit you a lot. Can we stop talking about Virgil being dead? It's making me upset."

"Sorry, babe. I have to figure out what happens when the inevitable happens." Virgil left a mark on Janus' neck as he spoke.

"Our relationship is so fucked up, doll." He pulled his head back, smiling.

"Good news: I'm aware and staying with you willingly."

"You shouldn't. You should run away. You should tell me to fuck off."

"I would never. I'm perfectly happy."

Janus sighed, kissing him again. He really had to figure this out.

* * *

He was wide awake. Virgil was curled up at his side, running his hands down Janus' chest. He pressed a kiss to his left pec, smiling. "Jan?"

"Sorry dear. I'm just thinking." Janus pulled him closer. How the hell did he convince Patton to let Virgil stay over? Why did he? He could just kill him in his sleep. It'd be so simple. Virgil already had to be given an antidote for a poison he carried. "How's your arm?"

"It was a shot. It wasn't a knife. I'm fine."

"I'm sorry I made you drink methanol."

"You stopped. It's fine."

Janus sighed as Virgil pressed more kisses to his chest, moving on top of him. Janus looked up at him, putting a hand on his cheek. "Dear, we're not healthy."

"Well, none of my relationships are. It's true that I was attracted to you all since I was kid, which is really odd. You were so much older. Yeah, well, my attraction for you came specifically when you were in your twenties. I was in love with all of you when I discovered who you were. Like, I was obsessed. I almost started crying when Patton took me from the bus. Both from fear and excitement. I did think I was going to die, but I was so fucking happy when Patton said he was keeping me. He wasn't supposed to fall in love with me." Virgil began to move against him as he spoke, making Janus grip his legs. "But he did. At first I thought I was just being used so he could have sex, but I wasn't. Then I was offered to pleasure you all, and I was just supposed to be a toy. My purpose was to clean your houses and spread my legs when you wanted me too. We weren't supposed to be anything more. We are, though. We're much more now. You even want me dead. This is as healthy as our relationship is going to get. I eat people. I ate my own finger once. I think if I was ever going to be healthy, it's over. I passed that point."

"Speed up for me. I just think the others are better for you. We went too far."

"I'm a grownup. I can handle our relationship. If I ever feel like I'm unable to control it, I'll tell Patton. He won't let you near me if that's the case." Virgil sped up his movements, groaning. "You gave me an antidote. You're trying, and I appreciate that."

"I'm only trying because I'm sharing you. If you were mine and mine alone, you'd be dead."

"I know. I'm okay with that. Fuck. Feels good."

Janus grabbed both of them, letting Virgil thrust into his hand. "Baby, you're too accepting. We have to work on that."

Virgil kissed him, moaning against his lips. Janus kept jerking them both off. Virgil came first, gasping against him. Janus instantly plunged his tongue into his mouth, letting go himself. He didn't pull away, keeping Virgil there until he was dizzy with the need for oxygen. That's when Janus pulled away, laying back down. Virgil rested on him, smiling and leaving small kisses on his neck and collarbone. Janus rubbed his back, sighing.

"I'm just worried I'll hurt you."

"You will, and I know you will. I've accepted this. We should probably take a shower."

"I'll clean you up in the morning."

"It's gonna be gross then."

"It'll be fine."

Virgil made a face but relented, closing his eyes as Janus stayed there, awake.

God, he was worried.

* * *

"Put it down."

"Fuck!"

"It's okay. Just try again."

Janus was at Patton's, trying desperately to just make Virgil a salad. Easy shit. Patton hid anything that could be poisonous to digest, and he patted Janus down before he came in. He didn't search well enough. Janus just pulled out a vial. Patton took it away quickly. Logan let out a sigh, shaking his head. "Anything else your pockets?"

"I think that's it."

"Good," Patton said, nodding towards the salad. "Keep making it."

Janus did, getting nervous as he kept going. He tried to leave to get something that would kill Virgil, but someone stopped him each time. Janus cut the carrots, glancing back. "Thanks. It means a lot that you'd all help. I want him to know I love him without trying to kill him."

"He knows you love him. He loves you too." Remus assured him, patting his shoulder.

"I just need to not kill him. I wish he didn't love me. I wouldn't have to kill him then."

Roman raised an eyebrow. "So your thing has to be mutual? You don't kill people you love but don't love you?"

"I'm not a stalker. Our relationship has to be set in stone. If Virgil lost feelings for me, it would be fine. I would feel no urge to kill him. Hey, Patton, think you can convince him to not love me?"

"No. He's enamored with you. Good news, though. You're all done making a safe salad."

Janus looked down. It was edible. No hidden poisons in the dressing. It was just a salad. "When does he get back?"

"You know him and his crows. You'll never know. I'll put the salad in the fridge so you don't do anything. Let's just all sit and talk. Have a nice time together without worrying."

Janus followed them to sit in the living room. He kept glancing back into the kitchen. It was still there and safe. It wasn't altered or damaged. All the ingredients were fresh. It was fine. He gripped the couch arms, holding his breath. Virgil would be fine. Speaking of the man, Virgil opened the door and walked in, taking his shoes off. He quickly greeted everyone, sitting on the floor near Patton's feet. "The eggs just hatched. They're so cute. What's up? Group meeting?"

"Janus made you food. It's in the fridge. Want to sit up here with us?"

"I'm good, but I'll try the food Janus made."

"Virgil has been in a mood since the honeymoon phased ended." Patton explained as Virgil got up to get the salad. "He's acting weird. Just let it happen."

Virgil sat on the counter, eating the salad. He crossed his legs as he continued, smiling. "It tastes good!"

"Everyone made sure I didn't add anything." Janus watched closely, making sure he was okay.

"You've successfully made me food without trying to kill me. Thank you!"

He let out a sigh of relief, thanking whatever god there was silently. He let himself relax.

He didn't kill Virgil yet.

**Author's Note:**

> by Virgil's smug grin, I mean >:3
> 
> Author fact: I'm still scared of chain mail. Obvs I don't share it every five minutes like I did when Google+ was a thing (y'all remember that? I was pretty popular on that site), but I still get nervous reading it. Realistically, I know a ghost girl won't come gouge my eyes out, but part of me still goes "unless"


End file.
